The Paradox of Risk

don’t risk regret.

be cautious about conserving.

what is currency for if not spending?

what is life for if not living?

burying your heart to keep it safe will suffocate.

 

forsake the EZ-chair existence.

hypnotized by screens.

kept alive by an IV of soma.

enslaved by the opinions of strangers that can never make you happy.

a nonentity, a product of self-preservation.

 

your heart is throbbing?

your palms are sweating?

your head is whirling?

your breathing is shallow?

good that means you are alive.

 

the fear wells up.

don’t let it stop you.

convert it to exhilaration.

ride it like a wave to where you want to go.

take the plunge.

 

the ground is approaching your forehead at mach 2.

every cell in your body screams with terror of death.

just when you expect your brain to explode. . .

the cord tightens and yanks you up higher than you have ever been.

death is an illusion.

 

the river is wild, jump in anyways.

forsake the illusion that you are in control.

the current will take you where you need to go.

even if that is to the other shore.

you have to go there eventually anyways.

 

let go of what you can’t hold onto.

take hold of what you cannot lose.

if you try to save your, life you will lose it.

if you lose your life, you will save it.

love life enough to throw it away.

 

 

Spirituality and Adventure

On first thought, you might not think that monasticism has anything in common with adventure; after all, on one hand it’s guys in robes chanting and on the other it’s navigating uncharted rivers and the like. Nonetheless, I have noticed many parallels, here are a few.

1.) THE SIMPLE LIFE

 Life on the road or in the back country is simple. One does not have a full schedule, countless social obligations, or distracting luxuries and technologies. The food is also simple: one learns to live off oatmeal and noodles, cherishing the occasional treats. It is very freeing and puts things into perspective.

Like travelers and adventurers, Monks are known for their simple ways of life. They don’t really have iPhones, gourmet food, designer products, cars, big houses, or crazy schedules. They often sleep on uncomfortable beds in small rooms, eat simple food, and spend much time in silence and contemplation. This leads away from a sense of entitlement, instead of demanding the daily mocha, a monk will cherish the smallest luxury with detachment. This also helps keep them aware and conscious: instead of rushing about with a constant stream of erratic thoughts and overpowering stimuli, the monk has a simple awareness and a perpetual consciousness of God. The straw bed in the dim cell of a monk is not too different from the sleeping pad in the tent of a backpacker.

2.) SELF-DISCIPLINE

Friedrich Nietzsche believed the morality and spiritual disciplines of Christianity were born of what he termed “negative will to power”. For Nietzsche, the need to exert power was the primary human drive. He thought that Christianity was the religion of people who could not or would not exert power in the traditional sense, so they denied themselves pleasures and underwent hardship to exercise their will to power. Now, I disagree with Nietzsche that the basis of spiritual discipline and morality is will to power; I believe that it is living our lives how God meant us to live them (in harmony with Him, each other, and creation) but he is on to something. We all want to be great, successful, and competent; in other words, will to power is a major human drive (just not the primary one in my opinion). Will to power is therefore present in any arena of human activity: fasting, backpacking, weight lifting, prayer, overcoming temptation, rock climbing, etc.

The exertion of the mystic may be inward or existential exertion, but it is exertion nonetheless. It is interesting to note that monks and spiritual warriors have traditionally been referred to as athletes. This connection is also made by St. Paul in the Bible “Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable trophy, but we an imperishable prize. Therefore, I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified” (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)

Paul wasn’t saying this because he was a masochist or because he thought that pleasure is wrong, but because he is a spirit-builder. Just a body builders must tear muscles to have them rebuilt stronger and deny themselves certain foods and things, so must spirit builders stretch and exert their spiritual muscles and deny themselves things that will hinder their spiritual life. Self-actualization (fulfilling one’s calling, utilizing one’s gifts, and being devoted to a purpose greater than one’s self) is more pleasurable than self-indulgence. Happiness is not eating Cheetohs on a couch watching movies about other peoples’ interesting lives; true happiness involves meaning and purpose, which cannot be achieved apart from sacrifice, discipline, and self-denial. The results of that discipline are sweet though: I may not always enjoy working out, but I never regret it when I’m standing on a peak overlooking a beautiful mountain lake after a strenuous hike. I never regret saying no to sin when I’m standing in awe of what God has done in my life. In the book of Hebrews (12:11), Paul adds “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.”

Don’t misunderstand me: self-discipline is NOT the essence of spiritual life. The point of God’s grace and Jesus dying was that we CAN’T do it ourselves. Union with God is the essence of spiritual life. Any attempt of self-discipline alone to bring us to perfection and empowerment will lead to beating ourselves up or hating ourselves. The Eastern Orthodox Church has a word that describes the spiritual life: synergy- God and man working together. Jesus said, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). He didn’t say I will give you a bunch of stuff to do. Yes, He has adventures, battles, and work for us, but not burnout.

3.) Uncertainty

Adventures usually always contain some element of uncertainty. While exploring mountain ranges, one never knows what is over the next ridge. While hitchhiking, one never knows where he will end up next. This unpredictability keeps life interesting. So it is with spirituality. Unfortunately, many people view Christianity just a set of routines: read bible, say prescribed words, go to church, follow rules, etc. It was not meant to be that way though. If you read any of my hitchhiking journeys, you probably picked up on the spiritual nature of adventures. I never know what’s going to happen when I let the Spirit lead, but it’s always pretty cool! I meet people I’m supposed to meet and end up in random places. In the book of Acts (in the Bible) there are several accounts of the Spirit of God leading the apostles to different areas for meaningful purposes. They usually didn’t know what they were in for.  Not only is walking with God an adventure, but so is knowing Him. Just when I think I have him pinned down a new paradox about his nature comes up or a deeper understanding about His character. These discoveries usually lead to more questions, which lead to more discoveries, which lead to more questions, ad infinitum. The being of God is an ocean that cannot be fully explored even in eternity.

4.) Awe and Wonder

Most of the time when I’m going somewhere, I’m looking for beauty. While the journey is valuable in itself, I long to see peaceful lakes, majestic mountains, bubbling streams, strange plants and animals, and mind blowing skies. The spiritual life is also full of wonder. As I noted in the following point, God is an ocean to be explored, full of hidden treasure. Sometimes I will get a revelation of His majesty that is too sublime for words and the closest experiences I can compare it to are times in nature. I remember one time when I was in Mexico on a mission trip and we were singing songs about the Lord to the Lord on the edge of the Copper Canyon (which is bigger than the Grand Canyon) at night during a lightning storm. In that moment the majesty of God was reflected so much in the natural scene. So not only do encounters with God remind me of nature, more importantly perhaps, encounters with nature remind me of God. Walking by softly bubbling streams on a mossy forest floor, surrounded by massive cedars has moved my heart so much to think of peace, innocence, paradise, and the state in which we humans were meant to live.

Alaskan Adventure: Introduction/Island Life

I spent this summer (2014) primarily near Seward, AK on the Kenai Peninsula. I say near Seward, AK because I was actually about 12 miles South on Fox Island, an island in Resurrection Bay. I worked at a tour boat Day Lodge for Kenai Fjords tours as a kitchen steward, which is pretty much a fancy way of saying dishwasher (well, I did serve King crab and do some other prep work). I lived on the Island 5 days a week and lived in Seward 2 days a week. While on the island I had free food and housing and in Seward free housing. Another perk of this job was that Kenai Fjords Tours has partnerships with other tour companies that allow the employees to utilize guide and touring services for free or at a greatly discounted rate, so needless to say this was a great way to see Alaska.

The island is fairly small, maybe two miles long and 1 mile wide, but it is quite steep. The lodge is located between the pebble peach and a small lagoon with a creek flowing into it. Down the beach there is an overnight lodge, Kenai Fjords Wilderness Lodge (or the Wildy as we called it). Behind the Wildy there is the only trail (which is a word that can be interpreted loosely in Alaska) on the island. The trail goes behind the lagoon, up the creek, to a ridge separating two of the peaks, and up to the peak on the right. The first stretch of the trail has steps going up and down to big rocks and tree trunks. The middle part is sort of swampy and is haunted by an aggressive Goss Hawk that likes to swoop down on unwary hikers and take their hats and/or scratch them (yes, that actually happened to a couple of my coworkers). The last stretch of the trail, from the ridge to the peak, is very steep and sort of unstable, but there are ropes tied to trees to help one up the trail. The trail really isn’t as bad as it sounds: the bird can be fended off with a large stick and the trail completed in an hour traveling at a leisurely speed (my record was 37 minutes, but I was dying at the end). The view at the top is easily worth it as well. One can see a 360 degree view of the surrounding islands, channels, mountains, and part of the Harding Ice Field to the West (I had some good shots but I misplaced my film). I resolved to hike that trail every day at one point, but it didn’t happen. I did climb it fairly frequently though. It was well-nigh impossible to climb in the rain: every rock and root becomes a water slide on the part of the trail. It rains pretty frequently in the area too; it is considered a temperate rain forest. When it rains on the island several waterfall appear down the steep slopes.

Not the island, but similar

 

 

Not the island, but interesting geology in the area, couple hour boat ride.

 

The other peaks and ridges can only be reached by bushwhacking (in other words crawling up 60 degree angle slopes on hands and knees, getting shanked by Devil’s Club, stepping in moss covered holes, and swimming through chest high brush [going down hill is worse]). I did some bushwhacking on the island early in the season and got burnt out on it pretty fast. I did reach one of the other high points on the island though. There was no view, however, because of the high brush. Then there was the other time when I almost died, not really but it was pretty sketchy (I will write about that one in a later post).

Devil’s Club

Sea kayaking was another recreational opportunity open to me. Sunny Cove Sea Kayaking also operates off the island and is partnered with Kenai Fjords Tours: their guides hung out in our bunk house and ate our food and in return they helped us clean and took us kayaking for free. Kayaking is a good way to see nature, get exercise, and spend some time in thought, prayer, or meditation. Considering that, I would think I would be really into, but I really didn’t care too much for it; it was okay and I would do it again, but I certainly don’t see myself dropping $1,000+ for a kayak any time soon. I also spent quite a bit of time fishing, a little bit in the lagoon and a little bit off the dock and shore. The lagoon has small Dolly Vardens and the ocean has Pacific Cod and Rock Fish. There are halibut as well (appropriate since the location of the lodge is called Halibut Cove) but it’s not that easy to catch one off the shore with a compact fishing pole. Most of the fish I caught here were small but provided me with some meals and fun. My fishing poles and reels, however, frequently malfunctioned, cutting my fishing short. One time I snapped my pole in half trying to get it unsnagged from the ocean floor; ironically the day before I reeled up half a fishing pole from the ocean covered with barnacles and junk.

As far as wildlife goes there are river otters, porcupines, seals, and whales around Fox Island. There are also a variety of sea birds that frequent the area as well as Steller Jays. This is where I first learned how good porcupines are at climbing trees! The sea mammals are a little rarer than porcupines and Steller Jays though. Sometimes you can sea a humpback surfacing in the distance. Twice this summer Orcas came into the cove and rubbed their bellies on the gravel bottom near the shore, by far one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. The seals mostly like to stalk people on Kayak outings.

Orcas playing in the cove of the island

Living with people was another interesting experience. It was sort of like a 3 month hostel stay/summer camp. I met lots of really cool people and good friends, however, it wasn’t the easiest thing to live with a dozen people. We definitely got on each others nerves for not cleaning up a mess, hogging the TV, and other petty things. So yes, there was a little bit of drama, but it really wasn’t too bad. I was usually out of the loop (thankfully) as far as drama was concerned. It was challenging for me to be one of the few Christians there too because there were some differences in lifestyle. Despite disagreements, irritations, and misunderstandings most of us became pretty good friends. The love for nature and  adventure,  the shared experience of being overran by tourists daily, and listening to the same park ranger presentations every day gave us a camaraderie. I think we were all a little guarded at first but before long we were having food fights, hiking together, and singing strange Russian songs on island karaoke nights.

There are a couple of other reasons this island experience was special to me personally. Funny to say, but the fact that I was a dishwasher was meaningful to me. One of my favorite spiritual books, The Practice of the Presence of God, was written by a 17th century monk named Brother Lawrence (aka Nicholas Herman) who was a cook/dishwasher in his monastery. In the midst of his menial work he found such bliss in practicing the presence of God which could be considered silent internal prayer, meditation, and/or contemplation. It is even rumored that people would travel from afar to watch him do his kitchen labor in his state of spiritual inebriation. I felt like this job was an opportunity to practice the spiritual discipline of internal prayer while doing work that is not glamorous. I say discipline because some days when I was elbow deep in a prime rib pan with a fistful of steel wool I would lose perspective of the transcendent joy that is mine and inside me through God. Other times I would scrub enthusiastically and joyfully, oblivious to the mess and stench of the dish pit, only conscious of the love of God.  The other reason this experience was meaningful to me is because another saint I respect, another Herman in fact, lived on an island in Alaska. Father Herman of Alaska was a Russian Orthodox monk who lived on a small island off the coast of Kodiak and was given to asceticism and inner prayer. He was one the view missionaries during the colonization of the “new world” to advocate for the rights of the Native people and stand up against the corrupt politicians who sought to oppress them. In fact, Father Herman was one of the first sign posts to point me to Alaska, I first learned about him hitchhiking about a year earlier. I will recount that experience in the coming articles.

 

St. Herman of Alaska