MDMA, Friedrich Nietzsche, and Jesus: A Throwback Adventure from Phoenix and LA (2009-2012)

One time when I was in Phoenix I was having a very Dionysian evening. I was an 18 year old kid far from home and thought I would say yes to life. Everything was new to me, from the 12 feet tall cacti, millions of people, to the 70 degree winters and 115 degree summers, might as well keep trying new things.  I was at a foam-party rave and was set on trying some ecstasy. I had decided this beforehand after I had researched it on erowid.org and liked the sound of it; after all I was a scientist of consciousness doing research not some hedonistic schmuck (or so I told myself). That night I really did feel like I needed it because I was being a party-pooper. I couldn’t get into it and was self-conscious and insecure. That was a common thing for me then, but it seemed especially so that night. I hung out in the corner looking sketchy and talking to other sketchy looking people. Eventually I found a guy who was selling and I bought a pill for $10, originally $15 but I only had $10. He let it go for cheaper because I agreed to help him sell it. I , unintentionally (thankfully) lost him after a couple minutes and then popped the pill in my mouth. After about 40 minutes without feeling anything, I was wondering if the guy sold me an aspirin or something.

Then it hit me. It was like a tidal wave of euphoria that instantly set me grinning ear to ear. I danced with foolish abandon in the chest deep foam, no insecurity or reservations. I hugged and high-fived strangers. I was in love with everyone and everyone was in love with me “This can’t be wrong,” I thought to myself. Earlier I would not dare ask someone to dance, but now I was asking everyone in sight, indifferent whether they said yes or no. When I was dancing with one girl, acting like I knew what I was doing, I thought to myself “Is this really happening?” It was a blur of bliss pierced by faint remembrances of strangers faces and strobe lights. I left the rave at about 2 A.M. to bike back the light rail, so I wouldn’t have to bike 15 miles back home. As I pedaled through the warm spring air, I felt a bit depressed. It all seemed so fake; none of those people cared about me, the happiness was meaningless, and it does nothing to actually solve life’s problems, mine or others. Of course, I felt guilty too, because there I was, a serious Christian high on ecstasy — burnt out on religion and needing real joy. I caught the light rail in time and talked to this guy who was stoned and drunk. He told me I reminded him of myself, being on ecstasy. He was very interested in how it was effecting me. He checked out my pupils, put his hand in my armpit to feel my sweat, and put his finger through my tank-top to feel my nipple. It sounds really weird now, but I didn’t give it a second thought at the time. He wasn’t a pervert or anything. I went back home and pondered my experiences (and enlarged pupils).

From that time forth, I was in love with ecstasy, though I never did it again. I wanted to do it several times and I daydreamed about it like a high school sweetheart. I thought of taking it, making it, and selling it. I forced myself not to, and it helped that I had to bike anywhere from 8 to 20 miles to get to raves, my conscience could not hold out that long on the way there.  It was also helpful that I was in a church that was very active about interacting with each other. That saved me. My faith was not very victorious at that point in my life, it just kept me from falling into an abyss.

I did, however, go to one rave after that and did fine without drugs. Interestingly enough it was a heaven themed rave and there was a guy dressed up like Jesus walking around. It was a sketchy warehouse in an industrial neighborhood in Phoenix full of weirdos with furry boots, angel wings, speedos, whatever you can think of, just my style (later the cops tried to shut it down — gah I miss the Phoenix rave scene and lovely Phoenix in general). Basically I went bonkers that night with little inhibitions and without taking any drugs. Some guy even tried to give me a beer because apparently I “look like I suck at life”. I was just like, “whatever, bro, I’m great at life.” The one girl I got the balls to ask to dance turned me down because she had a boyfriend. Nothing bothered me that night. I was vibing so hard that the next morning at my sign spinning job I was dancing on top of a power box to some hardstyle while spinning my real estate sign!I don’t know why I felt so free that night; I hadn’t experienced any spiritual or existential breakthrough really. It would be about another two years before I would have real spiritual breakthrough (the night now makes sense in retrospect — moar on that later).

After I finished my schooling in Phoenix (8 months or so at an audio engineering trade school), I moved to Los Angeles to do an internship at a post production facility. Los Angeles was a culture shock for me, I had been there before, but living there is a whole other thing. I drove down from Montana and when I actually got into the city I had to navigate 5 lane traffic and take a bajillion exits to get where I was going. The racial and ethnic diversity was astounding too; in Montana I grew up with whites and Indians, mostly whites though. In Phoenix I had seen plenty blacks and Mexicans. In LA I saw blacks, Mexicans, Arabs, East Asians, etc. I lived in Torrance, which is 90 percent Asian. My church was a Japanese church, so I mostly hung out with Asian people and the few black people that went to my church. I especially hung out a lot with the black guys. For 3 months I commuted 2 hours through downtown LA to North Hollywood. It was a bit crazy, but I got used to it. My internship was mostly running errands, cleaning, taking notes, and sitting around the studio eating their food. I did see a couple famous people though: I got Jeff Dunham his coffee (not starstruck because I don’t like his stuff) and the coolest was getting to sit in on a voice recording session for Scoobie Doo, though the voice of Scoobie and Velma were the only original voice actors. Unfortunately I didn’t rave at all in LA, but I needed to get my head on straight. The one rave I thought about going to, gave me tempting thoughts of taking E again. I regret missing Bassnectar though. I soon learned the Hollywood is not really my scene so I back to Helena, Montana.

It was now 2012, I was working night shifts at a TV station reading a lot and not doing much else. One of the books I picked up during this time was The Portable Nietzsche. Now, I don’t agree with Nietzsche’s major premises, but I do find him endlessly interesting and a kindred spirit. You may be wondering what on earth Nietzsche has to do with this, but it will make sense, just hang with me. I am by no means a Nietzshean scholar, but I have a feel for the major themes of his work and I will briefly touch on his ideas that are relevant to interpreting my experiences.

Nietzsche thought of Christianity as the religion of “no”. He conceived of it as the denial of all vital human desires and energies. Essentially he viewed it as the sublimation of slavish weakness in hopes of making the vital, powerful man equal with the weak, ignorant man by means of curbing the vital man’s life force with morality. He conceived of a religion or philosophy rather, inspired by the god Dionysus (hence the reference at the beginning). For Nietzsche, Dionysus symbolized a “yes” attitude towards life, a life affirming perspective that didn’t curb the vital man’s impulses and desires. He thought of this as a “gay science”, or a happy philosophy as opposed to the denial of life by Christianity. During my time in Phoenix, my spiritual life was  not a gay science, but a stoic drudgery full of guilt, shame, and depression. It was a religion of no. I was saying no to life, not only the bad but the good many times, throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I’m probably the type of person that convinced Nietzsche that Christianity is lame; I was burnt out on this boring religiousness and something in me was dying to engage with life, to dance with life — which led to me taking MDMA. While my career with drugs was short lived (I tried a few others), I still was not having the fulfillment I needed. However, I would soon experience the abundant life that Jesus talked about.

My cousin told me about the crazy things he had been seeing in his life and recommended that I check out YWAM (youth with a mission). So I got two weeks off of work and flew down to LA for a two week school called Circuit Riders. It was all about worshiping God and spreading His love and word. At first, I felt like a fish out of water. A bookish, introvert amid wild-eyed, shouting weirdos. I resented it when they tried to make me like that. I saw myself as a serious Christian but not some weird enthusiast. It was really awkward when we did preaching circles. Basically we circled up and were supposed to preach excitedly to the group. I mumbled weakly with my hands in my pockets, but they were supportive enough. I got less and less resistant as the program went on though. One day we were to partner up and pray through a bunch of stuff: depression, shame, unbelief, unforgiveness etc. It’s called repentance, but I think of it as spiritual detox. Anyways we did that and it was cool but I didn’t feel some crazy moment or anything.

Next we did an outreach in Burbank. I was timid and cynical about that too. As my partners talked excitedly to people about God, I inwardly cringed and thought about how they were probably scaring people off. I talked to a couple of people and it was okay, but nothing crazy and a bit awkward. I got over myself though when I saw that some of the guys had led several people to Christ and multiple people had been healed of injuries (maybe I’m the weirdo). My partners prayed for me to be baptized with the Holy Spirit, for those of you not fluent in Christianese that basically means to be filled and empowered with the Spirit of God. Again, nothing crazy happened but I accepted it by faith. My resistance was starting to soften. During our free day my roommate and I decided to do what is called a Treasure Hunt. Basically, it’s like Where’s Waldo in real life. You pray for people to find, and then you go out and find them and pray for them or talk to them or whatever. Without giving an extensive account, that day was one of the funnest days of my life. We found all the people we were supposed to find, I couldn’t deny it. The spiritual detox, the infilling of the spirit, and stepping out in faith paid off. I walked around Burbank that day like I was rolling hard. Ear to ear grin most of the day and lots of confidence. I felt ecstasy, not MDMA, real ecstasy. When I got back to the YWAM base I was still flying. I was just going around grinning telling people how I’d been set free from guilt, shame, and fear. For once, God felt really real. I laid in bed that night for hours thinking, “I can’t believe this is really real.”

If you haven’t caught the parallel between the experiences it is this: Christianity is the ultimate life affirming way of life. It is not about rules, regulations, and saying no to life and fun stuff. Sin is a killjoy. MDMA and other “fun” stuff would have kept me from really entering into life — distracting me from the true, eternal, transcendent joy. Unlike MDMA, when I was rolling with God I could say “this is really real and this is doing something to solve my problems and the world’s problems.” So I don’t say no to sin because Christianity is about ruining peoples’ fun like Nietzsche thought, I say no because it’s about maximizing peoples’ fun (not just in the moment but for the long run). I won’t lie and say I feel like I’m rolling balls all day every day. I have bad days; I’m human and sometimes I lose sight of spiritual things and get in a rut. Nonetheless, my life has totally changed. I have so much more joy and well-being and God has put me on my path as well. I now go to raves again without being tempted by drugs; I dance out of spiritual joy, enjoy the music, lights, interesting people, and when people ask me for drugs I point them to the one who can give them real joy (some people let me pray for them!). I think that the heaven themed rave I went to was very symbolic: Heaven is a party, love is the drug, and Jesus raves, hard.

Jesus saves because Jesus raves!

I leave you with this gem of stoner theology : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2O50k6U-0k Toke the Ghost, my friends.

A paper I wrote about raving and spirituality: https://pilgrimsmap.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/the-rave-and-the-promised-land/

Enlightenment: The Revelation of a Happy God

Who is God or what is God? This question has mystified spiritual seekers since the dawn of time. According to David Barret of World Christian Encyclopedia, there are 19 major religions. That being said, many of those categories can be broken down into hundred if not thousand of sub-categories. There are 34,000 subdivisions of Christianity alone (as cited in religioustolerance.org). Hinduism has millions of gods and demigods in some sort of hierarchy, 33 million according to Huffington post (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gadadhara-pandit-dasa/the-33-million-demigods-o_b_1737207.html). This does not even include the ancient religions with their pantheons of gods. Given this fact I can empathize with people who throw up their hands and say “Well, I believe in some sort of higher power, but I don’t believe in any specific god.” It can be confusing. One of Jesus’ central missions was to reveal who God is.

In addressing a crowd in Athens, the apostle Paul said, “Men of Athens, I see that in every way you are very religious. For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: to an unknown God. What you worship is unknown — this is what I’m going to proclaim to you.” (Acts 17:22-23). Our society is similar to Athens; people would describe themselves as spiritual instead of religious though. There are so many spiritual and religious ideas out there that it’s hard to know what’s what. According to the Bible this is because that when humans were alienated from God people began imaging who God was and making things up, this is called idolatry. God created man in His image, then man began imagining God in His own image. The various images of God are countless but there is a common element in almost all of them. There is a common feeling that all is not well between heaven and earth, a feeling that God (or the gods in some cases) is angry and needs to be placated. In the ancient world, and in some cultures today, animal and other physical sacrifices were common. The idea was that, we must do something to please God to turn away His anger or we must gain His favor  for things to go well for us. While some religions do not advocate physical sacrifices of any kind, sacrifice is still usually present. Think of medieval monks whipping themselves, people trying to serve God our of fear, or others dancing and chanting to please spirits. It’s the universal tendency to cringe under the what we see as the hostility of heaven.

The Jews in the Old Testament had a sacrificial system too.  I am convinced though that God set up that system more for the peoples’ sake than for His. I don’t think God needs animals to be killed for His pleasure. I believe that God set up this system to alleviate this cringing tendency in the people while he set up His plan for redemption in the background.  This cringing tendency was apparent in Adam and Eve’s attempts to hide their nakedness from God. God then “sacrificed” an animal to clothe their nakedness. Did God do this because He is such a prude that he couldn’t stand the sight of a naked person? I really doubt it. Then it was obviously for the sake of Adam and Eve, thus the precedent set for sacrifice was that it was for humans’ sake. The people needed to feel like they were connected to God and on good terms with Him. It was also a clever foreshadowing of God’s true plan of salvation. Listen to this passage:

Hebrews 9:13-14 The blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a heifer sprinkled on those who are ceremonially unclean sanctify them so that they are outwardly clean. ¹⁴ How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death,^[c] so that we may serve the living God!

The animal sacrifices made people ceremonially clean not morally clean, and verse 14 shows that the blood of Jesus was to cleanse our consciences, not placate an angry God.  The cross was the revelation of the forgiving nature of God, not a blood sacrifice that was required for God to forgive us. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need to kill a cat to forgive someone who has wronged me! On the cross Jesus said “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do (Luke 23:24)” This was before He died, how could God forgive them then if He needed Jesus to die first? What Jesus did for on the cross is effectively saying: “God is not angry at you! He is not against you. He forgives you (a revelation of forgiveness not a transaction of repayment). You do not need to sacrifice to please God, not with animals or good works. The whole sacrificial system points to Me. I’m the solution that the law and prophets wrote about, you cannot earn my love by your sacrifices of goats or good works, you cannot heal yourself by strict adherence to the law, stop your regimens of self-improvement and sacrifice and accept what I did for you because your attempts at being good enough to earn my love will only result in you condemning yourself and isolating yourself from Me.”

People who believe the cross was essentially an offering to please an offended God assert that God is no longer against us because of the payment made on the cross. They are right that God is not against us, but God, however, was never against us to begin with. The cross was to defeat the thing coming against us (sin, death, ignorance, the forces of darkness, corrupt world). That shows us the very opposite, that God is not against us but for us to such a degree that He came from heaven, put on meatsack, identified with us by experiencing human life, and was murdered horrendously by this corrupt world. That is a revelation of the greatest love. By human standards God should get even with us; He has every reason to. We have disobeyed His laws, hurt each other, and been indifferent to Him — the most glorious and deserving being in the universe. Most people would not treat a movie star, president, brilliant scientist, excellent artist, or otherwise beautiful person with contempt. Yet our kind murdered the most amazing person to live and in His dying breaths He said, “God, don’t hold it against them, they’re so blind and ignorant they don’t even realize what they’re doing.” This is a revelation of forgiveness that does not allow Christians to be bitter with a good conscience. Jesus clearly wasn’t the nice version of God begging the angry Father version of God to not be mean, for as the following verses show, He is of the exact same nature of Father God.

Matthew 11:27 All things have been handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.

John 14:9 Jesus said to him, “Have I been with you so long, and you still do not know me, Philip? Whoever has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, ‘Show us the Father’?

John 10:30 I and the Father are one.

Hebrews 1:3 He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high,

Colossians 1:15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.

God can be known and He is not out to get you! He is not some Zeus figure up there with a lightening bolt in hand. Among the countless “gods”, Jesus shines as the unique and true one. Religion is all about what you can do to get to God or a spiritual state; meditate all day and maybe you’ll make the cut, say enough hail Marys, die in Jihad, or  chant om enough times and perhaps you’ll ascend out of this broken world. The Gospel, on the other hand, is about God coming down to us because we could never ascend to Him. While there are beneficial spiritual disciplines and good works God has for us, those flow out of a love relationship, they aren’t ways to get to God. Jesus said, “this is the work of God, to believe in the one He sent” (John 6:29).

Out of this revelation of who God is and what He has done for us, comes a love for God that inspires us to love for neighbors, self, and all creation. Out of this love comes righteousness and good works. This is why St. Augustine said, “Love God and do whatever”. Union with God is the essence of the spiritual life, not church, bible study, evangelism, feeding the poor, or asceticism. If you’re trying to ascend to heaven, please God, earn love, be good enough, or fix yourself by yourself then you’re engaged in a Sisyphean task. Rolling the giant stone of self-improvement, spiritual disciplines, and/or religious deeds is not necessary, because God rolled the stone out of the way of Jesus’ tomb. It’s done! Just believe in Him. I can’t prove that Jesus is God with clever logic, but ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Put your faith in Him as the solution, as your savior, as your lover, as your Lord and you will experience the power of living with Him in Him.

The Return of the King: The Gospel According to Tolkien

Good versus evil is a prominent theme in literature and art. From the earliest myths to the latest blockbuster, from Greece to Hollywood, this theme continues to captivate us. Myths and stories have power in that they express the feelings and desires in our minds and give meaningful narratives to events of our lives. So why is this theme of good versus evil so ubiquitous and moving? I think it’s because we all perceive the conflicts in life and the greater conflict we are caught up in.While there are many great stories that display this theme, I think Lord of the Rings is the best one. This story is wonderful allegory of Jesus’ work, but just as London’s allegory (previous post) was unintended, this one probably was too. J.R.R. Tolkien was a Christian, but not a fan of allegory. The work was probably inspired, both consciously and unconsciously, by his faith, but it’s no Pilgrim’s Progress. I am going to describe the plot throughout this article, so if you haven’t read the books or seen the movies, this is your SPOILER ALERT.

Middle Earth is on the brink of collapse and destruction. Most of the Hobbits go about their business unaware of the coming war and desolation. The enemy is unseen and all seems well in the Shire. The enemy is working behind the scenes though, he has already corrupted and enslaved countless victims and is preparing to take his corruption, slavery, and murder to a new level. The joy and peace of Middle Earth is at stake. This enemy wields his power through a ring that manipulates and enslaves all who wear it, until that is destroyed he will stay in power. This ring is his essence and source of authority. This ring, as you probably know, can only be destroyed in the fires of Mt. Doom in the land of Mordor. Surely a Navy Seal or a Green Beret is the choice for this gig, but no, a mere hobbit is assigned the task. True, he is surrounded by the equivalent of a modern special forces team, but ultimately two hobbits set out on their own. After the ring is destroyed, Sauron’s power and authority crumbles and his minions are scattered. That is the plot in a nutshell, a very small nutshell.

Like Frodo, Jesus came on a quest to defeat evil. The militaristic aspect of His mission, also called Christus Victor, is central to understanding why He came and died for us; it is one of the most vivid colours in the Kaleidoscope (refer to the article Kaleidoscopic Theology if you are scratching your head). The conquering motif of Jesus is so important, that the Jews actually expected the messiah to come on a literal military and political campaign. Jesus, however, was like Frodo in that he didn’t appear to be much of a hero. The Bible tell us that He was born a poor carpenter’s son in an obscure village and was no pretty boy. He didn’t have a special forces team on his side either, but his team was special alright. . .a group consisting of coarse fisherman, corrupt businessmen, and spiritual ignoramuses. Far from the Leonidas type expected, Jesus came serving the needy, bearing insults, loving the broken, and being brutally murdered in a way that seemed like defeat. God, a lover of irony and paradox, used this seeming defeat to accomplish the healing and restoration of humanity.

Jesus left the paradise of heaven to enter this jacked up world, much like a Frodo left the Shire to enter Mordor. Jesus visited a place called Gehenna that actually reminds me of Mordor. Gehenna is one of the New Testament words that is translated into hell, and it is a picture of hell. It was a maggoty garbage dump outside of Jerusalem that was continuously smouldering and stinking, not to mention that it was a former place of pagan sacrifices. Such is the world that Sauron wanted to create, such is the world that satan aims at creating, and is fairly successful. Jesus enters this smouldering dump to dethrone the corrupt ruler of this world, satan.  This was apparent in his time of earthly ministry. He taught people the way of the Kingdom of God as opposed to false ways promoted by the enemy, he healed people of diseases (many of which were noted to be caused by evil spirits, but not all of them), and he cast evil spirits out of people. Acts 10:38 tells us that “he went around doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil.”His authority and power is greater than the enemy’s authority and power. He delegated this power and authority to his squadron of misfits and sent them out to imitate His work.

The cross and resurrection was his ultimate goal though. As Mt. Doom swallowed up the ring and its power, so did Christ swallow up and destroy  the power of sin and death. Prior to the cross, humanity was subject to death and corruption. In Jesus death, death lost its power and in His resurrection all humanity will resurrect. Somehow the power of sin was destroyed here too (Colossians 2:11 In him you are circumcised . . . cutting away the sinful nature [my paraphrase]) and (Ezekiel 36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh) . This is mystical thing that is hard to understand. In Christ’s incarnation (joining himself to human nature and identifying with humanity) we are included in His death and resurrection. Colossians 2:12      elaborates on this: “having been buried with Him in baptism, in which you were also raised with Him through faith in the powerful working of God, who raised Him from the dead.

All of humanity was mystically represented in the cross. The work of the cross is not just something that is activated upon accepting Christ as savior and lord. People who reject Christ were included in that they were represented in the power of the resurrection.  The idea that humans are naturally immortal and that the spirit outlives the body is a Platonic idea that distorts the meaning of the resurrection.  Prior to the resurrection of Christ, human were mortal, body and spirit.  Every person has eternal life because of what Christ has done, the quality of that life will be determined by our response to Christ (see my article Lepers in Paradise). Now that the power of sin and death are crushed, the revelation of the way has been made known, and reconciliation with God is possible, it is each individual’s choice which path (s)he will choose. That is the plot in a nutshell, a very small nutshell.

This theme may seem foreign because he spiritual warfare aspect of the Christian life is often overlooked in the Western world where it is common for Christians to view Christianity philosophically and dogmatically and for skeptics to deny the spiritual realm. Christians acknowledge the spiritual realm but practically don’t believe in it. In some churches people might cringe if spirits and angels are mentioned. The Bible talks about them continually though and says that they affect the world we live in. Jesus said that satan, the thief, came only to steal, and destroy (John 10:10). St. Paul mentioned that he is not ignorant of the devil’s schemes and neither should we (2 Corinthians 2:11). St. Peter said that the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). These are just a few Bible references, there are many more. No, the devil is not a guy in red pajamas with a pitchfork, he is a cunning evil spirit. No, the forces of darkness are not responsible for every evil thing that happens, but they are responsible for a lot more than we give them credit for.

If you read my article on Portland, then you know how my personal temptation at that time was exacerbated by the influence of an evil spirit. Let me give you a couple more personal examples. In 2012 I was at a YWAM (Youth With a Mission) program in Los Angeles where I was experiencing incredible spiritual breakthrough. This is where I was getting free from personal issues and learning to hear God’s voice and operate in the supernatural. I remember one day I had a thought that went something like this, “Yeah, this is all cool, but it’s not going to last once I get back to real life.” After that, a guy I hardly knew came up to me and said “Hey man, I feel like the enemy is trying to discourage you and tell you that this is not going to last, but that’s a lie.” This revealed to me how much of life is a spiritual battle, especially on the mental level. When I was a kid of about 11 or 12, I used to have chairs move about my house at night and lights flip on and off. Once I stopped reading my Bible, this ended; it was a scare tactic. Don’t be deceived, there are forces of darkness that influence much of what goes on in this world and much of what goes on in our own minds.

I realize that all this talk about spiritual warfare might sound bonkers, but reality is much bigger than we give it credit for. Scientists are exploring the possibilities of parallel universes and dimensions. Some who refuse to believe in God but cannot deny intelligent design go as far to say that aliens planted the building blocks of life. The same people who would scoff at spirit beings from another dimension would accept aliens from another dimension. It’s not a matter of reason, as much as a matter of popular ideas in our culture. Take the ideas of spirits out of the context of medieval superstition and look at them in the context of our incredibly complex and largely unknown universe.

Jesus came to throw down these forces of darkness . I’m not entirely sure how this worked, but I believe it has something to do with the fact that God gave humans authority over creation and when we sinned we gave authority to “the dark side”. When Christ destroyed the power of sin and death, he destroyed the enemy’s power just as Frodo destroyed Sauron’s power when he destroyed the ring. The ring is certainly a picture of the controlling power of sin. The scene in which Smeagol finally gets the ring and gazes up in delight ends with him falling in the fire. He smiles at that ring till his very last breath, oblivious of what it is doing to him. Jesus shattered the authority of the enemy and has charged us to continue in His holy warfare (spiritual)with His delegated power and authority, until the Return of the King.

Unlike most real wars, this war is wholly just. We are fighting to enlighten and set free our fellow humans and see the darkness flee. It is not about a power trip but about a passion for paradise. It reminds me of the scenes in the Two Towers when Merry is trying to convince Pippin and the Ents to go to war. Then the Ents see the devastation that has been wreaked on their homeland. Pippin protests that they should just go back to the Shire. Merry’s response is “Don’t you see Pip, if we don’t fight there won’t be a Shire, the woods of Buckland will burn . . .etc”.  This is shown again in a scene when Galadriel shows Frodo what will happen if he neglects his task: the Shire would be overrun with evil, slavery, and death.

This battle cannot be neglected because it is universal; it is impossible to neglect it and prosper because humans were meant to live with one another in harmony and the fate of one affects the fate of all. One might say, “I can’t worry about his fate.” Well, he’s the doctor, or the farmer, or someone you need (not to mention he has inherent value as a human being). There is no peace without justice and righteousness. Burying our heads in the sand does not solve a problem, but postpones it. We all have a battle to fight, a part to play. Maybe that is raising awareness about sex trafficking, advocating for the rights of the needy, or sharing the message of Christ; whatever it is,  we all must be a part of something bigger than ourselves. As Merry exhorted the Ents “You are a part of this world!”  Merry didn’t mobilize the Ents because he wanted stories written about him and a self-esteem boost, but because he loved the Shire and it’s inhabitants. Let us be warriors of love.

Towards the end of the Return of King, Frodo and Sam  are sitting on Mount Doom, expecting their death after having destroyed the ring. Sam begins reminiscing about the Shire and its beauty to comfort themselves and to reflect on what they accomplished. Because of them the Shire wouldn’t be a flaming wasteland, but would be a place of strawberries and cream (or milk and honey), grassy meadows, and chirping birds. Yet this was not without sacrifice, they expected to die. Yet, on the brink of death they are rescued and reunited with their friends. Aragorn takes his place as the true king and the hobbits return to the  Shire, no longer under the shadow of death and evil. Let us also join in such a worthy war until Jesus takes His rightful place as King and calls us back home.

1 John 3:8  “he came to destroy the works of the devil.”

Colossians 2:15  he “disarmed rulers and authorities (spiritual ones) put them to shame by triumphing over him” (parentheses mine).

Hebrew 2:14 Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death–that is, the devil.

Lepers in Paradise

I think one of the main objections people have about Christianity is the idea Hell. We get this idea that God is out to get us — that He wants to torture us for eternity. Well, that’s not really what hell is about. Many modern teachers have tried to delete the idea of hell from Christianity, but it’s there in the scriptures. Hell is real, but it’s incredibly misunderstood. Let me address the question, How can a loving God send people to Hell forever?, by asking a question myself.

Do actions have consequences? The answer is, of course, yes. I’m not talking about getting punished by the state for doing something wrong, that idea of punishment is the very idea I’m trying to dispel. If a person jumps off a cliff, the law of gravity is going to make sure he breaks something or dies. If a person becomes addicted to heroin, a whole host of negative consequences are going to follow. If a person has cancer and neglects treating it, then it will kill her. You are probably starting to see where I am going. Sin is a disease. Like a cancer, it will kill us. Romans 6:23 states “The wages of sin is death.” Romans 8:6 notes ” The mind set on the flesh (sinfulness) is death, but the life set on the Spirit is life and peace.” Like heroin, it will deceive us into thinking that we’re enjoying ourselves until we realize just what it is doing to us. In this sense, hell is, to a large degree, a self-made reality. Yes, it is a place, but the conditions of the people in that place are more representative of its nature than the conditions of the place. Hell is not some torture chamber out of a Saw movie for goodness’ sake; God is not a demented sadist.

If a person has a disease, then no matter where she is, she will be miserable. Most of us think as Hawaii as a paradise, but I doubt the lepers who lived there in the leper colony would think so. Such is the nature of Hell: Paradise at their fingertips (or lack thereof) but they choose not to be healed, so they sit there rotting in the leper colony (hell). The analogy breaks down at the point of rejecting healing; real life lepers would probably choose healing, but spiritual lepers do not choose healing, because spiritual leprosy darkens the mind and will so that they cannot even perceive the disease.  So if God brought a sin-sick person to heaven, she would be miserable nonetheless. If a leper went  outside of the leper colony, he would still be miserable.

Just what is this spiritual sickness of sin? Heaven is a place where God’s principles are carried out. A prideful person could not enjoy it because he would hate the egalitarianism. A non-repentant drug user could not enjoy heaven because there are no drugs there except the love of God. Sin-sick people are not happy in God’s presence or kingdom. They would be the party poopers in heaven, complaining about the lack of booze or the losers that are there. God merely gives them what they want in their blindness — this becomes its own punishment. They are unenlightened; they are so blinded by the deceitfulness of sin, that they cannot enjoy the superior pleasures of being in relationship with God and living in perfect harmony with His creatures and creation.

Perhaps you are not a heroin addict, but pride, bitterness, lust, and self-centeredness are all diseases too. These diseases don’t only cause actions that hurt the individual doing them, but they ripple out to affect all humanity. There cannot a society of joy, peace, and love with the presence of sin.   So God quarantines these people in Hell, as I noted above, they wouldn’t like heaven anyways. Hell is like an asylum for the existentially and spiritually insane who refuse to take their medicine. This begs the question: well Who can qualify for heaven? Who is enlightened enough to see through the mirage of sin and grasp the higher reality? Who is not going to ruin anyone’s time? Not me and not you.  God has higher standards than us, for us; essentially, He is a bigger party animal. You and I will settle for mediocrity. “Well, we’re all human and imperfect, but let’s just keep the Hitlers and pedophiles out of heaven and it will be cool.” God is not content with that though: heaven will be a place of ecstasy, bliss, rapture, perfect peace, and perfect love;  not a place of pride, meanness, insecurity, fear, anger,  sadness, or idolatry. No way in heaven. Galatians 5:20 says ” the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, sensuality, impurity, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, division, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the Kingdom of God.” It is almost like Karma but a little bit different: if one is an ass in his earthly life, well he’s not going to reincarnate as an ass in the King James sense of the word, but he will still be an ass in the afterlife and asses cannot appreciate heaven and ruin it for everyone else. So therefore they are quarantined in a place full of other asses, and that is Hell (The term “ass” is quite simplistic obviously, it’s more of a matter of being sin-sick, distant from God, etc I just can’t ever avoid a pun). Only Jesus can take away our bad karma (speaking metaphorically, Karma is not a biblical idea), heal us of our sinfulness, and cleanse our beings.

Before you write me off as an archaic religionist for using a word such as idolatry earlier, let me explain what it means. Idolatry basically means worship of another god that isn’t God. That doesn’t essentially mean dancing in front of a wood carving in a loin cloth rather than going to a nice suburban American church. Christian worship is not defined as religious rituals to please God as much as enjoying God for who He is. You worship what you enjoy. Druggies worship drugs (have you ever been around hardcore stoners? Almost all they talk about it weed). For some, women are their goddesses. Still, others bow down to the stock market. Bringing it back to the example I used earlier, a non-repentant substance abuser will not enjoy heaven, a place where God is worshiped (enjoyed), because he worships drugs instead. The essence of the disease of sin is worshiping false gods and being estranged from the true God.

Now let’s talk about false deities. To enjoy (worship) something you must know it and experience it. In the case of God, to enjoy Him you must know stuff about Him and have experienced Him. Think of a romantic relationship, a man praises his wife because he knows her; he knows things that are true about her and enjoys them. He can’t truly praise his wife if the praise is based on a lie. If a guy is all cuddled up with his wife and while praising her calls her the name of his ex-girlfriend, it’s not going to go well. It was either an honest mistake, or he is fantasizing about another woman, which is relationally dysfunctional. If we are to have a functional relationship about God, we cannot think He is someone or something else. Going to heaven thinking God is someone else than He is, is like going into a marriage with wrong expectations of your spouse because you idolize your own imaginary thoughts about her rather than her actual self, which can lead to divorce (hell in the analogy) or a miserable marriage (what it would be like to be in Heaven and not enjoy God). So to be in relationship with God and worship/enjoy Him, we cannot think He is Allah, Krishna, Shiva, Zeus, sex, drugs, or techno. Worshiping idols is to insult the worthiness of God and invest our joy in something that is not worthy and cannot satisfy us. That’s why it’s a big deal.

Jesus did die for our sins. Not to take our punishment, but to heal us of our sinfulness, enlighten us about who God is and what the spiritual path is, show us His love, overcome the forces of darkness, and reconcile us to Him among other things. Saying all of this is not to downplay the seriousness of hell, it’s going to be terrible, but to accurately portray it and what it says about God’s character.

These ideas are not just postmodern inventions, but are rooted deeply in church history. The Eastern Orthodox church goes as far to say that everyone goes to heaven but some people are miserable there because they are still diseased so it is Hell to them (remember the analogy of lepers in Hawaii).

C.S. Lewis wrote “The doors of Hell are locked from the inside.” That is what it comes down to. God is love, he doesn’t throw people into a torture chamber out of rage. In seeking the greatest good for all, he consigns some to a prison called hell, which is really what those people chose. God said to them, “Thy will be done” (another Lewis quote [I highly recommend reading The Great Divorce if you want more info on this topic]).

Alaskan Pilgrimage: Seward to Palmer (day one)

As my season with Kenai Fjords Tours drew to a close, I started to plan for my time trekking through Alaska. I had already bought a ticket from Anchorage to Portland for the 16th of September and my last day working was August 23rd. So that gave me about three weeks to travel Alaska. My original itinerary was very ambitious (and not really realistic). It consisted of hiking the Resurrection Pass trail from Sterling Highway to Hope (about 40 miles — I thought I could make some cool spiritual metaphor with the name, especially if I hiked it in three days and on the third day reached Hope), go from Hope to Anchorage, Anchorage to Palmer, Palmer to Glenallen, Glenallen to Fairbanks, Fairbanks to Deadhorse, back to Fairbanks, down the Parks highway to Denali, and finally end up in Anchorage.

My itinerary first changed when I decided to not hike Resurrection Pass, because it was pretty far for a solo hike. The day after I finished work I also felt like God wanted me to hang around Seward for a of couple days, which I didn’t really want to do, but I did. My pastor hooked me up with a ride to Anchorage with one of his coworkers on the 26th of August. So I got a free ride up there in a box truck and also stopped at Whittier on the way. I enjoyed hanging out with the guy who gave me a ride too. When I got to Anchorage I stopped into to Walmart to get some film, feeling quite absurd walking around with my big pack and walking stick. After Walmart I planned to go to Barnes and Nobles to get a book for the road, but couldn’t find the store. On the way I got to pray for a guy in a wheelchair who got in a car accident nothing– miraculous happened in that moment. This was also when I really noticed the neediness of Anchorage — countless homeless people and liquor stores. As I was walking around Anchorage, I saw a building that said something about the North Slope, the Arctic Borough where Deadhorse is located. Now, I felt that I might end up working at Deadhorse through the winter, I was drawn to it anyway, so I stopped in. Instead of getting a job at Deadhorse, I got a dead end. So I pressed on, heading towards Northeast Anchorage and the Glenn Highway.

Between the heat, my overloaded pack, and my out of shape body the walk through town was pretty brutal. I stopped at a gas station and put together one of my new delicacies — a peanut butter and brownie taco. My boss gave me a box of brownies for the road before I left. After my meal, I tried to talk to a guy about Jesus and then admired some Amanita Muscarias (which are ubiquitous in Anchorage) before getting back to my trek. A couple more miles and I ran into a guy on crutches who said he dropped sheet rock on his ankle. I prayed for him and asked him how he felt, and he said, “wow, better actually, how does that shit work?” I told him that Jesus died to heal our bodies and our souls and he left sort of abruptly. I don’t know if he was opposed to Jesus or just sort of freaked out by the whole thing. Later down the road I met an older  guy in a wheelchair panhandling. He was a Vietnam vet and kept saying “I made it home, but not all of them made it home” in a garbled, distressed voice. I gave him some brownies and told him I was sorry he had to go through that. Not that it helped much, but I really was sorry. That guy probably went into Vietnam when he was my age or younger and has been screwed up ever since over some stupid war, but that’s a whole other topic.

I walked another mile or so and stopped to rest in front of a gas station. There were a few homeless people hanging out there. A loud mouthed, confusing woman who perpetually interrupted people named Henrietta; and her best friend who was ex-military and ex-commercial fisherman, Ken. They gave me a donut, which was cool, considering that they probably didn’t have too much to give. Ken then told me that a catering company out of Deadhorse was conducting job interviews on September 3rd in Anchorage. What are the chances? Here I am thinking about working in Deadhorse, I leave Seward a specific time, and then on this day run into a guy talking about work in Deadhorse on the street. At this point I considered hanging around Anchorage until the interviews. I decided instead, however, to alter my itinerary and head up Parks highway first, go to Denali, then turn around and come back to Anchorage in time for the interviews. Well that’s what I planned anyway; this alteration of my itinerary changed many other things too, which will be discussed in the upcoming chapters.

After hanging out with the homeless people, I trekked on towards Glenn Highway, now Denali Bound (after Palmer anyway). When I got to the highway I had no success hitchhiking though. I hitched for a couple hours probably and could not get a ride. A bit discouraged, I headed back into the outskirts of Anchorage. I went to a park and sat down with some other homeless people who were sitting at a table drinking a 40. There was a guy with a dog, a middle aged white woman, a middle aged Native woman, and a middle aged guy with a wolf  T-shirt on. I sat there and kept to myself, wondering how I could engage these obviously troubled people. In the midst of my thoughts a Native kid of about twelve came up crying, saying how some guy hurt him. The guy with the wolf shirt went to go confront the other guy, who was a bald, aggressive looking man. The bald guy was trying to get to the kid, but the wolf man and others were preventing him and chewing him out. I sat there wondering if I would have to get involved. Apparently the bald guy was pissed because the kid ratted on him for stealing something from the 711, but he eventually got on his bike and took off. Shortly after the cops came and questioned the homeless people, threatened a 300 dollar fine for drinking in the park, and made wolf man throw out his 40. Wolf man sat there complaining about the kid, repeating phrases like “little snitch bitch” even though he had defended the kid — obviously a fairly conflicted guy. This event was just another to remind me of the problems of Anchorage.

I decided that I had better go set up camp in the backwoods of that park, so I set out looking for a suitable spot. There was plenty of room, but there were also other tents. I was hesitant to set up in this sketchy area, fearing that I might get shanked and robbed. Off the trail I met Joey, an older hippie guy with long hair and large rimmed glasses smoking weed and walking his dog. When he learned I was headed to Palmer he offered me a ride. I can’t get a ride on the main road, but here I get one in some random park! Anyways, we waited around a bit and then left. Once we got on the road, he decided that the traffic for Alaska State Fair (in Palmer) was still too bad, so we pulled off for a while to go to McDonald’s and walk his dog some more. As we walked he told me his plan to go to the lower 48 for a month and find himself a “chickie-gal” to bring back up to Alaska — a fairly ambitious plan, but I hope it works out for him. We got back on the road to Palmer after about an hour. We talked about weed a bit, he said it mellows him out and gives him the munchies, which is good for him because medical issues have affected his appetite. I offered him prayer for his medical issues which led him to talk about spirituality a bit. He said that he doesn’t kneel to pray, but rather talks to God on the trail. I told him that I am the same way, one does not have to engage in certain rituals  to connect with God; there is only one God, but He is a personal God that speaks and connects with His people in unique was.. We made one more stop on our way to Palmer, a park called hay flats. It was a small man-made lake with a trail around it –pretty nice, it reminds me of a city park in my hometown of Helena.

Once we got to the fairgrounds, we cruised around looking for a suitable camping spot and he gave me some advice on camping. Before parting ways, I prayed for his physical problems. He then wandered into the fair and I angled into the backwoods of the fairgrounds, trying to look casual with my large pack. Fortunately no one stopped me. I got back in the woods and found a place to set up my tent in waste high, wet grass — not ideal but it worked. I actually didn’t sleep too bad.

Supertramp Apprentice: Hitchhiking Montana 2013 (part 3)

My final hitchhiking trip of 2013 was from Polson to West Glacier and back. I was originally planning on going to Browning, a small Indian Reservation East of Glacier, but that’s not how things turned out. I started my journey on Hwy 35, along the East side of Flathead Lake. I got picked up by a van full of teenagers with an adult driver who were apparently with some youth organization; seemingly for troubled youth. I got to talk with a young guy from LA who was just in rehab for drugs about God and the joy found in him. I run into a lot of people with substance use issues on the road. Anyways, they dropped me off at a gas station and Big Fork where I fairly quickly got a micro- ride by a back-to-the-land type of guy who also gave me a bag of cherries. Nice! I did some walking after that and found $20 dollars on the road! Nice again! Probably about a half an hour later I got another micro-ride to Columbia Falls, a small town a bit South of Glacier.

In Columbia Falls I first noticed a rock and mineral shop. After my run-in with the rock and mineral collection on my first journey (part 1) I became a rock and mineral fan, so I decided to check the store out. As I was walking up, I got the vibe that the store was owned by someone named Margaret. I kind of wrote it off at first, but I kept it in my mind. When I finished browsing the store, I brought my little chunk of amethyst to the counter to pay. I decided to roll with the vibe after all and hope it was the Spirit.

“Umm… is your name Margaret by chance?”

“Well, yes, but I go by Marge.”

“Whoa! That’s a trip! As I was walking up I felt like the owner of this store was Margaret.”

“Wow! Are you a psychic.”

“Well, no. I have a bit of prophetic ability though, it’s a gift talked about in the Bible.”

She immediately had a shocked look on her face and quickly put up walls, saying she didn’t talk about religion. The look was classic though, as if she would never suspect Christianity would have anything to do with spiritual gifts or supernatural phenomena. I love breaking peoples’ false assumptions about Christians!

I continued on down the road and went to a little tourist attraction called Montana Vortex or something. It was a gift shop and a so-called vortex. I payed $10 to take the tour, which wasn’t the best $10 I’ve spent in my life. The guide talked about vortexes that alter the physical world and such (I don’t remember all that he said, even though I tried to pay attention at the time). He went on to give demonstrations: “You stand here, you stand here, look how much taller he is over here than over there” etc. At times it seemed true, but it was probably the power of suggestion more than anything or perhaps the environment was altered to create optical illusions. Who knows though, maybe there are vortexes, I’ve haven’t really looked into it enough to have a strong opinion on the matter.  After the tour I hung around the gift shop because it felt right. I asked the cashier if I could pray a blessing over her and she said yes. Afterward she said she felt great peace from it. I told the cashier that I felt like I was supposed to be there and she was supportive of that and actually found me another person to pray for! She brought me a woman with a brain tumor and introduced me, ” This is our new friend Joel, he makes you feel good.” Legit! It was cool how that worked out because I certainly didn’t walk in there with a plan; I was just sort awkwardly fumbling about.

After my detour at the Vortex, I walked down the road a bit and soon saw a place off the side that seemed right. I walked up the steep hill into the woods and soon found a flat rock floor under a rocky overhang; it was really nice.  I set up camp and then felt lead to go down to the Flathead River, just across the road. When I got down there I saw a couple fishing and went down to them. Following fishing small talk, I asked if I could watch him fish because I want to learn to fly-fish. He said yes and even let cast a few times. I noticed that he had a spiritual looking tattoo and asked him about it. He said that it stood for the unification of the major religions. We talked a bit about Jesus and stuff after that as well. He said I should talk to his Muslim wife about religion.

His wife was from Morocco, a rare ethnicity to stumble upon in Montana. I talked with her about Jesus as the Son of God and grace. She also tried to convert me as well. I asked her if she believes that God speaks to people, to which she said yes, in dreams. So I told her that if she has a dream of Jesus, she will know He is the Son of God. Cool thing is that her name is Isha, which is very close to the name for Jesus in Arabic, Isa. She also told me a bit about Morocco, mostly its food and culture — apparently animal organs are good to eat, who knew? (I’m actually not being sarcastic and ethnocentric right now, I would consider trying liver, heart, etc).  I also learned my first, and only bit of Arabic: Salaam Aliki, which means peace be upon you. The guy gave me a little fish he caught, since he was just going to throw it back and I figured I would cook it. I nearly burnt the forest down instead, not really but sort of. I was going to roast it over a backpacker stove which was apparently only meant to be lit under its proprietary pot. When I lit it without the pot covering the burner, a 16 inch flame leaped out and would not go out. In panic, I went and threw it in a nearby stream until I could unscrew the propane tank. Needless to say, no fish for me that night.

The next day was pretty uneventful. It was slow catching rides, but I eventually got to West Glacier, where I kicked around a bit. With my only money spent on necessities like chunks of amethyst and tours of scientifically questionable phenomena, I decided to try to catch a fish. My tackle was a stick, a hook, some leader line, some “backing line” (a shoelace), and a chunk of beer can to act as a shiny lure. It failed. It was fun hanging out by the river though. Nonetheless, it was a hard day. I was hungry, confused, and indecisive. My spiritual signals were crossed and so I was kind of just tripping, unsure of which way I should go or if I should camp. I eventually decided to head back towards home, but people were not to generous. I spent about three hours alternately walking and hitching, standing, sitting, and laying. It was hot and I was hungry. I tried to be positive, saying it was a destined fast, but I was in no mood (and rarely am) to fast. I tried to catch some grasshoppers — John the Baptist style, and also foraged for some thimble berries — super tramp style (well, pretty much any number of indigenous people style for that matter). I had a few handfuls of berries and that was about it, bloody grasshoppers are hard to catch.

Eventually, I caught a ride to Kalispell with a nice guy from Colorado. We talked about backpacking the Copper Canyon (which he has done, and I have been there) and God, among other things. When I got into Kalispell, I called someone who I had met at the Orthodox church that I went to on my last hitchhiking trip to see if I could get a yard to camp in. He put me in touch with another guy and his wife, Tecon and Claire, who had me over to their house. The pizza, salad, and Pabst Blue Ribbon they gave me was a feast compared to my handful of thimble berries. Tecon, who had recently changed his name, gets his name from the saint that inspired Father Zosima in Dostoyevsky’s The Brother’s Karamazov, which is one of my favorite books. This and the fact that Tecon is a creative writing major gave us plenty to talk about. Another interesting topic, as it was on my last trip, was Orthodox Christianity with its theology and doctrines. After that, we worked on some audio editing (another mutual interest) for a bit. To finish off the night, he made me a White Russian, a nice complement to my love of Russian Literature — also super tramp style.

The next day I went to the Orthodox church and ran into the people who let me stay at their house in Eureka, Bill and Theresa — that was a pleasant surprise. After the service and lunch I started making my way through Kalispell. I got picked up and dropped off about 6 miles from Lakeside — a micro-ride of ten miles or so. I walked to Lakeside and met a guy also hitching who was from Oklahoma. On the way to Lakeside I found $5, which I used to buy a delicious huckleberry blizzard. I met another hitchhiker in Lakeside who asked me if I had any weed. I talked to him a bit; he was a nice guy and an alcoholic. I offered him prayer and told him Jesus could set him free. He believes in Jesus, but kind of pushed the matter to the side. From Lakeside I got a ride all the way into Polson from a lady who lived in Elmo (about 17 miles outside of Polson). That was nice of her. It turns out she lived in Alaska for 45 years, so she talked to me about Alaska a bit too.

Eureka II: Hitchhiking the Kenai (part 2.1)

One weekend I decided to go to Homer, which is about 3 hours away for Seward. I certainly hesitated because I was feeling lazy on the day and that’s sort of a trek to make for 2 days, but I went and am glad I did. I got my travel snacks of Cliff Bars and waited. Twenty or so minutes passed before I got picked up by Mark, a friendly guy  from Texas who was working on a fishing boat. He got me to about Moose pass and then Zach, an aircraft mechanic from New Mexico, picked up the baton and took me to the Sterling exchange. A bit later near the Y, a dude from Anchorage and his girlfriend picked me up and said they could take me to Soldotna. Shortly down the road he asked if I “partake in recreational substances”. I told him I was all about the spiritual high and told him I toke the Ghost.

“Casper?” he replied.

“No, like the Holy Spirit.”

“Little baby Jeebus?”

“Big resurrected Jesus.”

He seemed to have some background in Christianity but not really on track with the Lord. I tried to stir his interest, but he didn’t seem to keen on it; then again, I’m a pretty hackneyed missionary too, so I probably just blew it. Anyways, they took me to Soldotna and I got some crispitos or whatever that pseudo-Mexican gas station fare was called. I made my way across town (with the help of micro-ride) and came to shopping plaza called “Eureka Plaza”. After my hitchhiking trip to Eureka (which I wrote about previously), Eureka has sort of been a thing for me — like something that catches my eye and says “you’re on the right track”. In the plaza there was a place called “Pot o’ Gold Pull tabs”. Pull tabs are essentially Alaskan lottery tickets (not sure if it’s a legal loophole or what). Anyways, I went in there and put a one dollar down and then won 75! The lady at the counter was tripping, as if people never win. I told her Jesus thinks she’s amazing and helps me win money (or something along those corny lines).

Surplus money in pocket, I continued my way down the road. I waited next to a traffic light heading out of town, all the lights were out and cars were just treating the intersection like a 4-way stop. Before too long, a nice older man by the name of Art picked me up. He is a retired biologist of sorts who used to aid with cleaning up oil spills and other tasks along the Alaska Maritime Wildlife Refuge. He had some very interesting anecdotes about dog sledding and sea travel that were fun to listen to. We talked about God and spirituality a bit and he is something of an agnostic. He definitely believes in God because of the beauty of nature, but feels more in touch in nature than at church. I can definitely relate to that; I shared with him some of my struggles with church and misconceptions about it (which I’m not going to relate here: the basic ideas related are in my article “Spirituality and the Troublesome Idea of Church”). He did let me pray for his injured knee though, so that was cool.

Coming in to Homer was pretty amazing. There is a wonderful view of the ocean, islands, and mountains. It almost reminds me of the view coming into Polson looking over Flathead Lake. Homer is another touristy little town like Seward (Seward is better) and one of the main attractions is the Homer Spit, which extends a few miles out to sea. I figured I might stay there, but I also wanted to check out the YWAM (Youth With a Mission) base in Homer. However, the power was out in town, all over the Western Kenai actually, making it a real crapshoot trying to locate the base (why didn’t I get the address the night before?! Stupid). Anyways, the visitor center gave me the little help they could and I set off across town. I walked up a hilly suburb are and landed at some sort of Bible college, but not YWAM. I wandered through the darkened halls and eventually stumbled upon a guy playing guitar in the darkness. He too was unsure of where the base was. I decided to give up the wild goose chase and just make for the spit. Thankfully my new friend, Zeb from Oregon, gave me a ride most of the way there.

First order of business: food. It was a bit tricky finding a restaurant during a power outage, but thankfully I stumbled on a cool wood-fired pizza place called Finn’s. I ordered a “football” (a proprietary term for a size of pizza between two slices and a full one) and a pint of their darkest beer. It was very good; I highly recommend it. I sat near some people and one of them had a son who was going to play during Salmonstock (an Alaskan hippie music festival). We were talking and I asked them about the Salty Dawg, a saloon down the spit, because a classmate told me I had to go there. I’m not much of a bar guy, but I figured it must have some local flavor or tourist attraction. They told me “I had to go there”. So I did. The only thing sort of cool about it is that it is lighthouse shaped, or has a mock lighthouse anyway. Other than that, it’s pretty much just a room full of people drinking and talking loudly. Oh wait, the walls were covered in dollar bills and they played loud music — in other words it was lame. I don’t know what I was expecting, bear wrestling or something. So I just used the bathroom (which also was lame) and left.

Second order of business: shelter. I was set on camping on the spit. Now, not only was there a power outage in Homer, it was also very windy and rainy — a perfect time to visit. So after paying 20 dollars to rent a patch of earth, I began round 2 of fighting with my tent. It went even worse than round one. The ground was so frickin rocky I couldn’t get a stake to stick more than a nanometer in the soil  and the wind was so vicious I couldn’t begin to erect my tent without staking it. So I fumbled, swore, and felt retarded again (deja vu). After admitting defeat, I went in the bathroom to get out of the elements and weigh my options. I considered walking the five miles into town and getting a hotel — too much time, effort, and money. I also considered just chilling in the bathroom all night — yeah that would be cool. It finally dawned on me, the shower room was locked but there was a window open. I waited for the coast to clear (which took a while because people were doing their laundry for like 9 years) and then crawled in the window and rolled out my sleeping bag and mat. About midnight or one an employee found me, but after hearing my situation, she let me stay. So it was kinda lame, but camping on the spit would’ve been lame too.

This is getting a bit long, so I will break it into two parts. If you enjoyed this one, stay tuned for the return journey!

Going into see the Great Physician

I stood outside the clinic to see the Great Physician. He healed me of a terminal illness some years past; yet I still struggled to believe that He could keep a rash and infection in check. I looked at my watch, it had been at least ten minutes. My forearm itched like crazy, I tried to resist. The area around my rash was inflamed and there was blood and pus from where I had been digging at it. My first impulse was to dig at it more, but to go back to lonely spot to do it, in some dark and dank room. I didn’t want these people to see my affliction. I could show them some scars and speak of how the Physician healed me of an ailment years ago; but am I still supposed to have remnants of my past disease? I finally got into the waiting room. There were bunch of weird people in here. Some of them smelled bad, some persisted in high pitched coughs, and some moaned over broken bones. Many of them were very friendly, they discussed and praised the Physician, even talked about their ailments. Some were like me: defensive and looking around to see who was judging me for my putrid smelling wound.

“What are you in here for friend?” A fat, ruddy man asked.

“Just got some stuff to deal with,” I mumbled evasively.

” Don’t we all. This is fourth time this month I’ve been in here for this blasted leg. My bone keeps deteriorating. The Physician prescribed me some special medicine, gave me a crutch, and told me to come in and see Him daily, if not multiple times a day. I’ve been following His instructions to a tee and I improve dramatically, once I feel good enough to run on my own I generally throw my crutch and medicine aside and come in less frequently. That’s always when it gets worse. I don’t know why I always to that. I would be pretty pissed off if I were the doctor.”

“Is he”

“No, he’s very kind. He’s firm but gentle. So what about you?

I squirmed a little and stuttered.

” Don’t be shy now, there isn’t much that will shock me. It’s a war zone out there, I’ve seen  a great many injuries, self-inflicted and otherwise. I think we can both agree that we’d be dead without the Great Physician.”

I showed him my infection.

“Oh yeah,” he said knowingly,” I’ve had that one many times, it’s best not to scratch it, devilishly hard too, but you also need the ointment of the Physician.”

“Do you know when we are supposed to go in?’

“Go right in”

” No, He’s the most acclaimed physician, he won’t let me do that.”

” Oh, I assure you, He will.”

” Maybe I should wait till tomorrow..”

“I get it, you’re afraid he’ll scold you for your infection. Like I said, He’s  gentle. He wants to heal you.”

“I don’t have any money..”

” Money! What on earth do you need money for? You know very well he performed an operation on you years ago that Donald Trump couldn’t even have afforded. Do you think He’s going to turn you away now? The only co-pay He requires is your cooperation and willingness, go ahead.”

I had hesitantly went up to a large, white door and lightly tapped. After three milliseconds of no response, I turned and started walking away.

“Come in,” said the Physician through the door.

I walked in with my head down, waiting for Him to throw me out, as I sensed He already knew the problem.

“You were out there for a while.”

I nodded.

“You can come right in, you know, I didn’t create that waiting room.”

I nodded.

“I understand you have an infection, the same one we treated last time.”

I mumbled assent.

” Have you been using my ointment.”

“I..uh..ran out.”

” Well, you could’ve came and got more anytime, I wanted to see you anyways. You’ve been scratching too, I see.”

“Yeah.”

” Did you forget what I told you?”

“Well, um, it seemed like scratching would help.”

“You must trust me, I know what I’m talking about. You must come and see me regularly about your health, I can screen for diseases that you don’t even know about.”

“Okay.”

” Read Ephesians 4 in my manual, spend some time in my office for I have more to go over with you in my manual, and of course you have my number.”

“Yes.”

“Come in as much as want, health is not just about healing what is amiss, but maintaining what is sound. You aren’t bothering me, you aren’t just some patient, you’re my son.”

” Thanks Dad,” I said,” holding back tears as I embraced Him.

“Anytime, son.”

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9